5 Deal-Breaking Habits Every Woman Should Hide from Men

April 2, 2012 12:18 pm

In the dating world, there’s a fine line between having weird quirks and extreme psychosis. What differentiates a quirk from an outright psycho is a woman’s ability to keep her lips sealed. As women, we are all guilty of doing strange, neurotic things like Facebook-stalking our exes and obsessively blotting oil from our noses when no one is looking. Though we all do it, the key to maintaining a reputation of sanity is to KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Go ahead and polish off an entire tub of Ben & Jerry’s sprinkled with crushed Lay’s while watching “The Real World;” nobody’s stopping you. Just don’t tell the guy you’re seeing that you did it (unless you want to end up with an eternally stigmatized dating reputation as ‘that ex-girlfriend’).

Without further ado, here’s our list of five crazy behaviors and qualities every woman should hide from guys and why:

1.  Your most recent web searches

The guy you’ve been interested in comes over to pick you up at your apartment to take you on your third dinner date. You’ve really fallen for this handsome, witty guy and you haven’t been happier in months! Things between you two seem highly promising, until he borrows your laptop to MapQuest directions to that dark Italian restaurant. When he types into the search bar, this is what he sees:

Do your recent web searches look like this?

Damnit…didn’t see that one coming. You trusted your search bar with your deepest, most pressing inquiries and it betrayed you! Now, your perfect man can see through your sane façade far sooner than you intended. You can tell things between you two won’t last much longer because he’s distant and distracted over dinner that night. I don’t blame him; he’s probably freaking out thinking that a woman who’s obsessed with conjoined twins and men with accents plans on marrying him after three dates.

2. Your horrifying eating habits

From woman to woman, I find your ability to eat an entire box of Samoas in one sitting impressive and inspirational. Men, on the other hand, don’t have the same view. For some odd reason, they don’t find ravenously shoveling spoonful after spoonful of mint chip ice cream down your throat as attractive. Emotional eating and binging habits in addition to the questionable food combos you indulge in to satisfy absurd cravings all need to be hidden from your man. Peanut butter and Doritos sandwiches need to stay a secret. Chocolate chip and bacon bits mix must remain concealed. Pancakes with ketchup are for your eyes only. And don’t you ever divulge your addiction to hollowed-out pickles filled with ranch dressing and cream cheese. Only retreat to the pantry to consume these items either in the middle of the night or when absolutely nobody else is home.

3. Your Cabo spring break sophomore year in college (and every spring break for that matter)

It may be difficult for the man you’re dating to view you as serious wife and mother material if all he sees when he gazes into your eyes is a hot mess stumbling around the beaches of Mexico, wearing only a bikini and a sombrero. This particular spring break, you made out with a Greyhound Bus driver. You were arrested for stealing a jet ski. You got a tattoo that says “Cheney ’04.” You were nineteen, wild, and a victim of the tequila industry. You don’t regret a thing. But before you go blabbing about this legendary college tale and the 35 other stories like it, hold your tongue. As hilarious as the time you got kicked out of your Havasu hotel for skinny dipping in the family pool was, some memories are just better left in the past…especially if they involve an engagement to a British man you met in Vegas one weekend who wanted a Green Card. By the way, this is all totally hypothetical of course…

4. Your “unique” family history

Why should you withhold info about your family lineage on your first few dates? Even though your dad, sister, or uncle are crazy, you aren’t; so, why would it matter if you shared the story about how your bi-polar father flipped out, quit his job as a lawyer, grew a two-foot beard, bought a surfboard and decided to live in a tent on the beach for the rest of his life?  Let’s look to James D. Watson and his study of the double helix for the answer: psychosis is in your genes. If you go telling your new male companion all about your uncle in jail, your alcoholic cousins, and exceedingly racist WWII veteran grandpa who only wears whitey tighties and a rifle over his shoulder, chances are he won’t believe you no matter how hard you try to convince him you’re “normal.”

5. Your reality TV meltdowns

There’s no doubt that you definitely keep up with the Kardashians and just about every other reality cast on television from “Jersey Shore,” to “The Bachelor,” to “American Idol.” You can name every real housewife of Beverly Hills by first and last name, but your memory is a little fuzzy when asked to recall each presidential candidate. You have missed a day or two or three of work the past month, but have never skipped a single episode of “Khloe & Lamar.” Some may call you a “reality TV junkie.” You prefer the term “socially cultured.” Though it’s important to stay current, maybe you shouldn’t reveal the full extent of your obsession. Listen, I know more than anyone that it was super emotional when Kendall Jenner failed her driver’s license test during her sweet sixteen special, but it’s not like I’m telling thousands of people that I was curled up on my couch, wearing my fuzzy PJ’s and a face mask while bawling big, fat, hysterical tears of empathy for five whole minutes. Oops… whatever, it was so sad.


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