From Eskimo Kisses to Yoga: 21 Signs Your Man is Whipped Beyond Control

July 5, 2012 7:57 am

Everybody knows that one inseparable couple whose hands are practically cemented together and whose public expressions of love make us painfully aware of how single we are. This couple is so easy to identify because their Facebook profile picture is ostensibly a snapshot of them making out at a restaurant with the caption, “Mine forever <3.” They are the ones who engrave their jewelry with the one another’s initials. They are the ones we roll our eyes at for giving each other back rubs in line at Starbucks. They are the couple we can only describe as “whipped.”

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There’s a definite distinction between being committed and being straight up whipped. Guys, are you having a hard time figuring out where you stand in your relationship? Give yourself this simple, unfailing test to determine if you’re committed or whipped. If you buy your girlfriend flowers or jewels, you’re committed. If you buy your girlfriend shoes or feminine hygiene products, you’re downright whipped.

Still confused? If you place more than 3 check marks on the list below, consider yourself whipped, and commit to reestablishing your manhood immediately.

• I have referred to my girlfriend as “Cupcake,” “Sugar Booger,” or “Lover bug.”

• I have watched more than three episodes of “Glee.”

• I regularly give Eskimo kisses.

• I wear couple’s costumes for themed parties.

• My desktop wallpaper or cell phone background is a picture of my girlfriend.

• I have registered classes solely based on the fact that my girlfriend is in them too.

• I have pulled over on the freeway to respond to a text from my girlfriend.

• I have to get permission to go out for a drink with my boys.

• I have my girlfriend’s name tattooed on my body.

• I read Cosmo articles to understand my girlfriend better.

• I am comfortable holding my girlfriend’s purse when she shops.

• I have my girlfriend’s Kelly Clarkson, Justin Bieber, or Adele CD in my car.

• My girlfriend picks out my outfits.

• I have spoon fed my girlfriend over a dinner table.

• I have suggested going ice skating as a date.

• I start to sweat when I see that I have a missed call from my girlfriend. Four missed calls and I have a panic attack.

• My girlfriend always holds the TV remote.

• I know the date of our six month anniversary.

• I wash my girlfriend’s delicate load of laundry.

• I have called in and dedicated a love song to my girlfriend on the radio.

• I have gone to a yoga class with my girlfriend.

For all the whipped men who checked off half the list, listen. It’s awesome that you treat your woman like a princess, but you don’t have to watch Nicholas Sparks movies to prove you love her! You can’t lose sight of yourself in a relationship and forget how to function as an individual. Having shared email accounts and knowing one another’s Facebook password screams “dependency issues.” Please don’t be the couple that makes us jealous, single folks gag over your intense PDA and consequently hate your lovebird guts.


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